Anyway, the teams are heading for the longest champagne bar in Europe which is coincidentally based in a train station for when that Starbucks just won’t hit the spot.

Big Al is in person this week to inform the teams that this week’s task is for the teams to raise awareness of English sparkling wine.  They’ll have to devise a new image, website and online marketing campaign and video, and then be judged by a panel of wine bores, I mean experts.

The teams are rejigged to give them a bit of numerical balance.  Nick joins Adam, Tom and Jade over on Phoenix, leaving Ricky, Jenna, Gabrielle and hapless Stephen on team Sterling.

After last week’s artistry cock-up, Tom will be leading Phoenix, due to his wine background and Ricky steps up to manage Sterling because, erm, because he wants to win the show probably.

I love Ricky’s rallying cry to his troops.  He reassures them with, “…forget that Tom knows wine, Nick knows websites and Jade knows advertising, cos’ we’re better than them”.  Start the taxi, one of Sterling is heading home.

Proprietary Eponym

If this was a task to brand a new bottle of pale ale then Adam would be fine.  As it is, I’m waiting for Adam to utter his favourite weekly phrase of, “I’m out of my comfort zone me”.

In the back of the taxi, Tom is given his best dad’s speech to Adam, explaining how champagne is simply a brand name for sparkling wine.  “What, like Hoover?” enquires Adam.  Yes Adam, or a proprietary eponym, but don’t tell him that or his head will explode.  They’ve put lovable Adam in charge of marketing, another zone of comfort he has never visited.

Meanwhile over in the other taxi, Stephen is grasping the task about as well as he does every other week.  Just how does his brain function?  Let’s see, a British sparkling wine, what shall we call it Stephen?  Chink?  Oh wait, that’s extremely racist.  Or how about “Grandeur”?  Which is about as English as Gustave Eiffel.  Would you buy a 2^nd hand car from this buffoon?

Where’s a Sommelier When You Need One?

It’s time to split the teams and send them off to do different things.  Unsurprisingly Tom goes off to taste wine along with Adam, who is to wine tasting what TOWIE is to culture.

Adam swirls his glass, sniffs a bit and proclaims that he can smell Christmas cake.  At which point Karen shakes her head in pity at the poor sap.  Tom on the other hand is in probably his most comfortable zone since regaling stories of Andre the Giant and Space Invader in last week’s jolly. 

Over in team Ricky, Stephen and Gabrielle have headed to the king of the grape, the home of fine wine, Tesco.  Unsurprisingly there doesn’t seem to be any British sparkling wines on offer.  Gabrielle does a bit of label research, whilst idiot Stephen stomps around looking for the in-store sommelier, surely every Tesco has one? 

The other part of team Tom, Nick and Jade, are at a marketing agency and want to design everything around the catchy “ESW”, how extremely unimaginative.  And in the same agency, Stephen and Gabrielle from team Ricky are still sticking with “Grandeur”.  You’d think after you’d said it a few times the penny might drop that it sounds très français?

Tom and Adam are busy getting hammered tasting wine in Surrey .  I’m disappointed in Tom, it’s like he’s on a stag do when really as the ‘expert’ he should be more involved in the task.  And I’m not really sure why they are doing a taste test with bunch of middle-aged housewives, who are looking on a tad bemused as the lad’s get slowly inebriated and more giggly.

Corked?  I just uncorked it, didn’t you see?

Ricky is back at the pad planning the video shoot.  He doesn’t want it “gimmicky” and repeats the word “quality” over and over.  What’s the betting that the video will turn out to be the complete antithesis to Ricky’s requirements?  Famous last words from Ricky when he puts the video shoot in Jenna’s and Stephen’s incapable hands and says, “surely they can’t get that wrong?”  Oh yee of little faith Ricky.

And so we see Jenna sitting on a giant throne in Kenwood house in Hampstead unrevealing she wants ”one of these” for her wedding, which isn’t daft at all is it?   I’m sure this will have all the class and sophistication of an N-Dubz video.  Ricky drops them a call to ensure that the video isn’t the cheese-fest that it’s likely to end up being.  They reassure him, but really I’m sure Ricky knows that with Jenna and Stephen in charge it is likely to be horrendous.  Jenna directs someone in the shoot to act like “Basil Fawlty”, therefore ensuring that the video will be atrocious.

Adam is “choreographing” the people in his epic bore video shoot in an East London gastro.  By choreographing, he is informing them how to hold a wine glass like a pompous wine connoisseur and not in a natural, having a drink with your mates’ kind of way.  In a new imbecilic low, Adam has got his verbs all confused again,  arguing that choreographing is the same as directing.  He can actually only store 27 words in his cerebrum at any one time.  And by pushing in a 28^th, it appears he has also forgotten how you put a tie on, it looks horrendous.

Carry on Wedding

Tom and Nick, two of the strongest candidates left in the process are creating the website.  But they haven’t listened to the brief and are designing something for existing drinkers rather than attracting new drinkers, oh dear.

Ricky turns up for his first glimpse at Stephen and Jenna’s horrendous video.  Ricky’s eyes look extremely underwhelmed from what they have just witnessed.  His team members have managed to create possibly the worst promotional video in Apprentice history. 

Tom has a look at Adam and Jade’s choreographed effort which looks like it’s been filmed on the set of Abigail’s Party.  If the video was a colour it would be beige.

Basically, both videos are awful.

Like a Bullet to Your Brain

It’s time to present their wine campaign abominations to a load of wine bores.  First up is Ricky who for me is the finest presenter of the candidates in this series.  I still don’t know though how people keep a straight face when he opens up with, “Hi, I’m Ricky Martin”.  Perhaps I’m just childish, it’s certainly been mentioned before!

One of the wine toffs question team Ricky’s strapline, “less fizz more sparkle”.  Stephen mumbles some garbage about “subliminal”, and the wine boffs swallow it.  But when questioned about the other line used, “oozing class from every pore”, the team look a bit squirmy.  Surely the words ‘oozing’ and ‘pore’ should only be ever used on a zit cream commercial?

The video starts with a disgruntled bride hating the Krug muck that has been served up and demanding English sparkling wine, as you would.  The wine aficionados look like on with faces like they are sucking lemons.

So what about team Tom’s efforts?  Will Tom rue the day he spent on the stag do in Surrey with Adam?  Their video nearly sends the wine toffs to sleep it’s that dull.   They tell them that they have also missed the mark with the website, questioning why on earth retailers would interact with the site.

To be fair to Tom though, I like some of the social media interaction ideas on the website including the idea of the wine forum. 

Adam says the wine was gorgeous, much better than champagne.  Stop digging Adam.

It’s looking like a team Ricky victory, but isn’t that always the way with the editing of this show?

Boardroom Battle Round ‘Un’

I question why Gabrielle is standing outside the boardroom whilst the chaps all stay seated.  Surely even Adam would give his seat up for a lady on the bus?  Well, as long as she was pretty eh?

Tom’s team all say what a top leader he was, or what a great stag-do he organised or something.  Tom says that the focus was to be “outside the box”, I think he means “out of my tree”.

Alan watches team Tom’s beige video and looks over the website before exclaiming that the URL for the website should be www.yawn.com.  My sides are literally bursting from that gag; utter genius from Alan and by genius I mean that it was about as funny as the bubonic plague.

Ricky starts his defensive of the rubbish that Alan is about to watch with the immortal line, “David vs. Golliath”, referring to how strong the other team were compared to the losers he has to work with.    

That hasn’t gone down well with the Lord at all.  He also tries to defend Stephen’s choice of brand name, Grandeur, by saying that the name does have French connotations, mainly because it’s French, you Twonk.

Team Ricky’s Carry on Wedding video gets an airing with Alan hitting them with, “Well, Spielberg can rest easy.” 

In the final reckoning both team’s efforts were woeful, but it’s team Ricky’s video that really secured a big fat loss.  So by default, Tom’s team won.  Their prize?  Well, with the prize pot piggy bank rattling, they get to all go in a hot-tub together, wow, the stuff that dreams are made out of eh?

Boardroom Battle Round ‘Deux’

Stephen holds his hands up to say he was as culpable as anyone.  To be honest, I’d sack him just for picking a French name for a British product, the daft goon.

They all babble on that the video failed because it was funny.  Funny?  It wasn’t funny; it was just a bit tragic and depressing.

Lord Sugar’s comedy writers feed him another line that Ricky’s video was akin to “Carry on Boozing” and Gabrielle looks like her bacon will be saved for designing a wine flute that incorporated an English rose, the clever little chicken.

Stephen thinks Gabrielle is the weakest link this week and is aiming all his vitriol in her direction.  When Gabrielle dares to retort with some pretty strong examples of where Stephen fell down, Stephen says “specifics Gabrielle”, despite the fact that is exactly what Gabrielle is offering up. 

So Ricky chooses Jenna and Stephen to come back and slug it out in the final three.  Like every bit of negative news Stephen receives, he looks shocked and confused to find himself in the bottom three.

Boardroom Battle Round ‘Trois’

I’m pretty sure Ricky will be safe from the Sith’s dreaded finger this week, if you get my drift?  Especially when Countdown Nick back’s Ricky’s “quality, not cheesy” brief on the video, although the lord says that perhaps Ricky should have been at the shoot himself.  But where was Ricky supposed to be?  Surely he could trust a couple of buffoons in Stephen and Jenna, how could it have possibly gone wrong?

Jenna makes her stake to stay.  Apparently she is a risk taker and in this instance she took the risk of making the worst video ever seen by human eyes. She does also wear horrendous tights week in, week out though.

Stephen on the other hand is realising his impending departure from the process and throws down the gauntlet that he will definitely win the next task if he is made team leader and then nervously mumbles something about banking on it.

Wrestling Ricky needn’t really stake a claim to stay; I think we all know he isn’t going anywhere.  Ricky says the process has made him a much stronger person and that he knew his team were the underdogs for this task.  Now, now, Ricky be careful not to talk your way into the back of that cab.

As it is, I don’t think Jenna shifted enough blame onto hapless Stephen and predictably she is out of there.

When Ricky and Stephen return to the house, Gabrielle looks distraught to see that Jenna is absent.  It later transpires over on BBC2’s “You’re fired” that Jenna and Gabrielle have become bessie mates, ah bless.

So, there we go, another week over and despite Stephen’s perpetual cock-ups, he’s still with us.  He’s team leader next week though, so fingers crossed eh?

See you all again next week.

Nathan Lloyd

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Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

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Last week we looked at the first 5 reasons why a job interview could go wrong including turning up late, dressing like Timmy Mallet, being over negative and having literally no knowledge about the company you are being interviewed for.

In this final part we will be looking at a further 5 reasons why that interview could go badly wrong including not answering the question, negative body language and failing to follow up after the interview is finished. 

Let’s begin with something that always irritates me whenever I interview somebody….

6.  Not answering the question

Listen carefully to the question, there will be a specific skill or experience that the interviewer will be trying to draw out.  Sometimes nerves can take over and you will begin to waffle about everything apart from what the interviewer is actually asking.

As I mention in part 1 the key here is in the preparation.  Although you don’t want to sound too rehearsed, by practicing the answers to typical interview questions, you will be able to try and eliminate the waffle and answer the question with real substance.

7. Body Language

Remember, from the moment you arrive to when you leave, you need to be fully aware that you are there to impress and to sell yourself.

So, don’t sit in reception with your legs stretched out, hands clasped behind your head with a chilled out demeanour.  Greet the interviewer with a firm (but not iron grip) handshake, and certainly not a limp handshake which might suggest a weak character.  Smile and make eye contact.  Remember that those first few seconds is a great opportunity to create a great impression.

When you are in the interview, avoid the classic negative body language traits; don’t cross your arms as this can be interpreted as defensive and try and sit forward and make direct eye contact to demonstrate your enthusiasm for the position.

If you can subtly imitate your interviewer’s positive body language this will certainly build up a rapport, but try not to make it too obvious or they may just find you a tad weird!

8. Failing to sell yourself

One of the classic mistakes we often see in interviews is when candidates believe it’s a sign of arrogance to give examples of where they have excelled in a position.  I’m not sure whether it’s a British trait that we feel too reserved to boast about our achievements.  It certainly isn’t the case over in America where candidates are much more confident about self-promotion.

But, there is obviously a fine balance between arrogance and confidence.  For example, in an interview, you could say, “I have a reputation for delivering an excellent ROI on marketing projects”, rather than, “I am the best marketing person in my company”.

Make sure you add some substance when reflecting on your strengths, and it is always wise to reflect on some of the projects you delivered and the facts and figures behind those projects.

9.  Failing to ask any questions

You’ve got to the end of the interview and the interviewer will typically ask you, “Do you have any questions for me”.  By answering no, you will look disinterested and unenthusiastic about the position you have applied for, and you will have blown all the good work from the previous 55 minutes.

I mentioned in part 1 about ensuring you have done your research for the interview and from this research you should be able to put together 2-3 questions ready for this very situation.

So, what do you really want to know?  Avoid just chucking in a few token questions about holidays, perks or job progression.

I always find this is a great time to ask if the interviewer has any doubts about my fit within the organisation or if they feel there are gaps on my CV that haven’t been addressed.

You could ask, “I’m very interested in this role and I think I’d be successful here.  Do you feel that I would be a good fit?”  Or you could ask them, “What do you particularly enjoy about working here?”  This will demonstrate enthusiasm and gives the interviewer the opportunity to sell the company to you.

Other great questions include, “If I was to be successful, what is likely to happen in my first week?”   Or, “is support available for people who want to gain extra skills?”

10.  Failing to follow up after the interview is over

We have all probably done it in the past.  You finish your interview and then you wait for the phone to ring to see whether you were successful.

But if you actually followed up the interview with a short email thanking the interviewer for their time, you will put yourself ahead of the 90% of people who don’t bother to do so.

Keep the email short, thanking them for their time and reiterate how impressed you were with their business giving a short synopsis on why you believe you would be the perfect fit for their organisation.

Finish the email by informing them that if they have any questions that shouldn’t hesitate to contact you.

Remember, every opportunity you have to set yourself apart from the other applicants in the process is worth taking.  With all that time you have spent on your CV and interview preparation, what’s another couple of minutes firing off a thank you email?

And if all else fails and you have waited weeks for an answer, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone to determine what the deadline is for an answer on the role.

I hope you found a few of these tips useful.  Remember that you have done extremely well getting an interview in the first place, and if you follow this guide, you should be able to set yourself apart from the other candidates in the process.

Best of luck in your job search, and if we can be of any further help, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Nathan Lloyd

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Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

Follow him on Twitter

In part 3 of 4, we outline a further 5 reasons as to why your CV could hinder your job search:

11. Ensure your CV is bespoke

With the advent of the online job board, applying for positions has never been so easy.   This unfortunately means that a lot of people have a scatter gun approach to job applications, firing off the same CV over and over regardless of what the role entails. 

But gone are the days when it’s deemed acceptable to use a single CV to apply for all the job opportunities out there.

And although it may be time consuming, writing a bespoke CV for a particular job application will get you noticed above those that simply spam their CV at all and sundry.

If you can demonstrate via your CV and covering letter how ideally you would fit into a specific organisation, you will have a much better chance of clinching that job interview against the competition.

12. Covering letter

Just like a bespoke CV, a covering letter can often be perceived by candidates as a nice-to-have and not really a necessity.  It can however be another key difference between clinching an interview or not.

A well written cover letter will spark an employer’s interest and immediately make them more eager to read your CV.

As with you CV, try to ensure that your cover letter doesn’t have that one-size fits all, generic feel.  You want to keep it punchy, listing your strengths and exactly why you would be the perfect fit for the organisation you are applying to.

13. Wrong chronological order

Another classic faux pas is when candidates put their CV in the wrong chronological order.  You should always list your most recent employment and latest achievements within that position.  No prospective employer wants to read that you kicked off your career helping Ernie on his milk float in 1971.

14. Employment Gaps

In this age of layoffs, staff reduction and redundancy, employment gaps are likely to be something that a lot more people will have on their CV than ever before.

If this is you, the easiest way to trip yourself up is to stretch the job dates to cover an employment gap, but beware, as previously mentioned, more and more employers are doing checks to ensure that what a candidate puts on his CV rings true.

Whether it’s a sabbatical or a redundancy or if it’s because of health reasons, it’s always better to explain the gap on your CV.  Leaving any doubt in the recruiter’s mind will simply give them a reason to think you are not the ideal candidate for the job. 

15. Lack of employer info

Although you are fully aware of what type of business Zebedee Incorporated are, unless your prospective employee works in that particular sector then it’s unlikely they will.

Write a quick summary of the type of industry underneath the specific company on your CV, including address and website details, this will help the reader determine if it’s a direct or ancillary industry to the role.

Thanks for reading the Part 3.  Be sure to come back next week to the site to read the 4^th and final part including the danger of a meaningless introduction, why it’s perhaps best to not mention that weird hobby and how writing your CV in the third person is the quickest way not to get hired.

Nathan Lloyd

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

Follow him on Twitter

Even at 6am, Jade ‘Carol Thatcher’ Nash, is fully dressed and ready to roll.  Perhaps she will turn up on the Gadget show, unveiled as some kind of hideous annoying cyborg experiment from Honda, who are planning to mass-produce sub-standard business bots to takeover the world?

Week after week the Apprentice players have been selling tat to a gullible public.  This week the Lord has raised the bar and the tat is going all arty. 

As he couldn’t be bothered to turn up this week, big Al is on a big screen informing his remaining soldiers to look at the Graffiti underneath the Waterloo arches that surround them as this is the subject of this week’s assignment.

Their task is to choose two emerging street artists and then hoodwink, I mean sell, their work to art-loving uber-cool, more money than sense, folk of London from a gallery.

Both teams also have to sell a piece of street art to a corporate client, in a sort of pointless, would never happen in real life, bolt-on to the real task.

You Better Hide

So, who is going to step up to the plate to lead the teams for this one?  I’m surprised Adam doesn’t volunteer as week on week he informs us that he is constantly stepping out his comfort zone.  Adam’s comfort zone is of course the Royal Oak pub in Derby back in 1974 where he could drink ale, play darts and ogle the pretty ladies.

Sorry, I digress.  Team leaders are Gabrielle ‘suitcases with legs’ Omar and whispering Tom who apparently knows a shed load about urban art, which I’m sure would have been the conversation of choice in the Royal Oak back in ’74.

Adam is adding to his bid for Mr Culture 2012 when he compares the anonymity of street artist Banksy with the Stig.  I’m surprised he didn’t just pull out a Spiderman mask.

And Nick and Ricky have totally grasped this task, deciding the best way to fit in with the urbanites is to remove their ties and go all cool and edgy.

Tom has teamed up with Laura and are heading to their corporate client, Renault to try and work out which bit of over-priced spray painted canvas they are likely to plump for.  Tom has seen all the TV ads and says “joie de vivre” in a desperate random sycophantic attempt to impress the French.

At least he asks how much Renault have to spend, which is more than can be said for Gabrielle who is dealing with the hyperborean faces of the people from Beefeater gin. 

You Gotta Say Yes To Another Excess

The first artist for the teams to muse over is a young chap called Nathan Bowen.  Despite his awesome name, ahem, his drawings look like they’ve been done on a Spirograph whilst sitting on a rollercoaster.  They are basically scribbly cartoons, and as you may have guessed, I’m not a fan.

Wrestling Ricky describes Nathan’s work as “like a crazy workman alien peeing on another crazy workman alien” and Nick says that “I wouldn’t pay for that”.  I’m with you brother!

Gabrielle’s team on the other hand are cooing over Nathan’s etch-a-sketch nonsense like its pioneering, edgy and somehow not awful to look at.

Next up for the teams is Mr Evil or Pure to his friends.  Pure Evil’s art has a kind of Andy Warhol meets Alice Cooper feel to it; think pop art mixed with running mascara. Anyway, confusing similes apart, both teams love Mr Evil’s work.

Tom’s chosen modus operandi is to try and impress Dr Evil by namedropping every edgy urban street artist he loves from Space Invader to André the Giant who I’m sure I last saw slam Mr Perfect in Wrestlemania in 1991 and anyway, didn’t he die in 1993?

It looks like Tom has blown it with Dr Evil who doesn’t like being told that other artists are fabulous, he wants a slice of that praise lavished on him.

Gabrielle tells Dr Evil what he wants to hear and that all his paintings are brilliant, he is brilliant and everything is brilliant!  I think Dr Evil quite fancies Gabrielle, so it seems Tom can stick all his arty knowledge as Gabrielle has a winning smile!

Le Secret Farida

Adam and Jade meet Copyright, an artist who obviously has a penchant for busty ladies with the face of a barn owl, a sort of Hugh Hefner taxidermist.  Adam is a fan, unsurprisingly given the busty lady element of the pictures. 

Gabrielle’s team have headed over to see James Jessop, which sounds like a camera shop in Dorking.  Jessop’s pictures are huge, so huge that you would need to be painfully uber-cool and live in a converted monastery to have walls big enough to accommodate them. 

They are also ugly creations.  Perhaps that’s just my personal taste, but the thought of having an 18 foot demon canvas towering over my head, wouldn’t really be the relaxing environment I’m after at home.  Anyway, Mr Jessop’s paintings cost a very expensive arm and an overpriced leg, so I doubt I’ll ever be in the predicament of whether or not to blow £9k on one.

Laura is with me on this one and describes Jessop’s work as an acquired taste, which is probably a euphemistic term for “the reason Athena went into administration in the mid-nineties”

Stephen comes out with another weekly gem when he asks a bewildered Mr Jessop if his work is bought by “connoisseurs”, and concludes that all artists are “nutcases who can draw”.

Planet Dada

The time has come to pick which two artists the teams want to go with.

It doesn’t take a Salvador Dalí to work out where this one is going.  Predictably, Gabrielle gets her chosen artists of Nathan and Pure Evil, who preferred the fawning approach from Gabrielle as opposed to the chosen subject on mastermind approach of Tom.

Tom wanted Pure Evil as well as Copyright and when hit with the Dr Evil setback, Tom doesn’t have a plan b.  Tom rubs his forehead in a vain attempt at creating a time vortex and travelling back and changing tact with Dr Evil.  In the end he punts for the ‘risky’ strategy of trying to flog the over-priced poor drawn cartoons of James Jessop.  Replace ‘risky’, with ‘losing’.

Hipster’s Delay

After being able to sell that awful furniture from a couple of shows back, the teams return to Brick Lane where the affluent gullible masses are yet again primed to hand over their cash.

Both teams have galleries, albeit without the dead leaves and orange suede this time around. 

Gabrielle takes a fabulous idea from Stephen who thinks that Banksy’s anonymity should be applied to Nathan, and that he should paint away from the prying eyes of the gallery massive.  Stephen says that his idea is out of the box; methinks he may be out of his depth.

Ricky hates Nathan’s art, as I do, but his name is Nathan and I feel strangely like a traitor for saying so!

Adam is wide-eyed about James Jessop’s monster paintings, looking as uncertain about them as he is about anything modern, trendy and not beige.

The Evening’s Young

I have a horrible feeling that even though Tom is turning on the charm and schmoozing all and sundry with his arty knowledge, he will fall short because of his forced choice of artists.

On Gabrielle’s team, Stephen is coming across like the 2^nd hand car sales man he is and I can’t believe he has survived in the process for this long.

Adam is selling!  When this task was announced last week, I thought we would see Sith Sugar announce the task and almost in the same breath fire Adam.  Such was the almost painful inevitability of Adam yet again failing in a world he knows nothing about.

But no, Adam has flipped this on its head, and his almost charming northern art ignorance patter is seemingly going down a storm with the Brick Lane crowd who are obviously fans of the work of Arthur Atkinson. 

Although his live show is drawing a crowd, Nathan’s stuff isn’t selling, which isn’t surprising as it’s not particularly good. 

Ricky sells some paintings to a bearded chap with a wacky bow tie (is there any other sort), which I almost expect to see shoot water into the wrestler’s eye. I fear for Laura though, who’s soft-sell approach may be warm, fuzzy and friendly but she doesn’t seem be selling anything, the poor lamb.

Croissant Bleu

We see different approaches when it comes to dealing with your corporate guests.  Stephen thinks that ignoring them for a bit, offering them a glass of warm Zinfandel, wittering on like a moron and then wandering off, should be more than enough to seal the deal.

Tom on the other hand is being ultra-professional and explaining to Renault that what they want are pictures of exotic half naked women, a bit like where’s Adam’s mind goes every 30 seconds of every day.  I think Tom mutters a bit more French or mentions Nicole or Papa; anyway the guys from Renault look suitably impressed and leave ‘heureux’.

Of Course I’m Lying

I can’t remember a more harmonious boardroom squabble.  It’s all a bit lovely and dull.

Alan rolls out his Turner Prize/Turnip Prize gag, which although a bit predictable, I still nick it for the title of the blog!  Tom’s approach to explaining why things went wrong on this week’s task is the complete antithesis to Stephen, by being honest.  He explains that his risky strategy of missing out on Pure Evil and going for the expensive James Jessop simply didn’t work out.

Gabrielle’s strategy, if you can call it that, was to smile nicely and flatter the artists into submission.  Which seemed to work a treat, but unfortunately this shallow puddle of a strategy failed miserably with the corporate client, when she forgot to ask them for any budget parameters.

Like a petulant 8 year old, she says she didn’t ask the gin makers for a budget, “on purpose”; possible the biggest whopper this series.  As it happens Beefeater had a whopping £10k to spend.  Stephen claims it was ‘news to him’, which was surprising as he was standing about 6 inches away from Gabrielle in the same meeting.  He’s just sowing the seeds in Alan’s head, should the team lose and lying little Stephen is dragged into the boardroom.

As it happens, he needn’t have worried.  Despite the distillery ordering nothing and Renault spending £2k, Gabrielle’s team won by making £4,579 compared to Tom’s £4,442.

With the winning prize budget pot seemingly as empty as Adam’s head, the winning team’s reward is to go and paint on a giant canvas, another absolute stinker of a prize.

Who’s Gone?

Back in the boardroom and Sith Sugar is ready to fire anybody for the failure of this task as long their name doesn’t begin with ‘T’ and rhyme with ‘bomb’.

Lord Al likes the fact that Tom rolled the dice, although I suspect if that had been any other contestant he would have told them it was a big mistake.

Obviously Tom should go.  But he is a very likeable strong candidate and a shoe-in for the final.  So the Lord is ready to point his finger at either Laura or Jade.

The volume in the polite squabble of the boardroom has just gone up a notch.  Both ladies now realise that they are fighting for their Apprentice future and Tom is just sitting back and letting them get on with it.

Laura signs her own death warrant with the line, “no-one can put that under attack” and then coughs up a string of superlatives about how utterly brilliant she is.

Alan teases us by letting us think that maybe Tom will get the boot after all.  Tom’s face has gone the colour of Vimto and he look’s a tad anxious.

But no, it’s Laura, the self-proclaimed beauty and 1998 Scottish young magician of the year runner-up, who gets the finger of fate.  She leaves with a slightly creepy ‘take care’ directed at Alan, as if he really should take care if he ever wanders onto her patch.

So with only 8 remaining, we are now coming into the home straight.  It looks like Tom could insult Karen Brady’s face and still get into the final, so it’ll be interesting to see who joins him.  My money is on Nick, Ricky and Gabrielle.

See you all again next week.

Nathan Lloyd

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

Follow him on Twitter

Hopefully you’ve applied some of these tips and optimised your CV and made it to the interview stage for that job you have always wanted.

Unfortunately a lot of people think that the hard work has now been done and that they can simply turn up to an interview and stroll towards a job offer.

The reality is that getting an interview is a great start, but if you really want to bag that job then this is where the hard work really starts.

Having interviewed a number of people myself over the years, I’ve seen so many candidates fail to prepare and as the old cliché goes, prepare to fail.

So, I’ve listed below the first 5 of 10 of the most common things that could go wrong in the interview process.

Remember that with most of the examples, you are in control and if you prepare as well as you can, you will give yourself the best chance at securing that move.

Let’s kick off with the absolute basics….

1. Erm, your company does, erm….

Most job interviews start with the question, “So, tell me what you know about the company”.  Make sure you take the time to take a look at the company’s website and research the key facts about the business.

This isn’t a case of spending hours learning everything there is to know about the organisation.  Ten minutes on their website or a look at company house, will tell you when they started in business, how many employees they have, which areas of business they are focused on and where they are going in the future.  It may also be worth looking at sites like www.newsnow.com where you can search to see if the company has posted any news articles and what is going on in their particular sector.

You may even want to consider looking at LinkedIn and search for individuals who are currently working in that business to see what backgrounds they come from.  Try and also find the interviewer on LinkedIn or even Google them to see if you can find out what makes them tick.

Job Research is a must and by carrying it out it will show you are serious about the position you have applied for.  Not doing your research will start the interview off on the wrong footing and the next 55 minutes will probably be painful!

2. Turning up late for an interview

Oh dear.  You’ve pegged it from the car park, arriving for the interview ten minutes late and now you are sweaty and anxious.  You are immediately on the back foot and at a disadvantage to all those being interviewed for the position.  Would you employ someone who can’t make it to work on time?

Again, this is where preparation is key; plan your journey, leaving yourself plenty of time for unforeseen problems such as late trains and traffic.

Print off maps, practice your route and arrive at least 10 minutes before your interview is due to start.  This will give you a last chance to look over your notes and gather your thoughts.

3. Poor Attire

First impressions count.  Before you even say a word, a recruiter will have made a judgement on your suitability for the role by the way you dress.  I’ve seen candidates wearing bad ties, shiny shirts, creased clothes, mini-skirts and low cut blouses and that’s just the men!

Keep it smart and tidy.  For the chaps, ensure the suit is dark and clean.  Your shirt well pressed and your tie fairly conservative.  Oh and make sure the shoes are polished, your hair is neat and tidy and all your breakfast is removed from your teeth.

For the ladies, similar to the above but keep the make-up subtle and don’t shy away from that formal suit.

4. I hated my old boss

At some point in the interview you will probably be asked for your opinion on your present or former employers.  Don’t fall into the trap that many do of bad mouthing past bosses or colleagues, even if they were the worst individuals on the planet.  This will only reflect badly on you and lets be honest, no one likes a moaner!

Focus on the positives; what you enjoyed about previous roles and what you achieved for the businesses.

5. Pieces of eight

There are always those standard questions that will come up in every interview situation.  And while it’s vital that you practice and rehearse how you answer these questions, you should never come across like you are reading from an autocue.

By researching the businesses that you applying for, you should be able to tailor your answers to ensure that you are answering with examples that are relevant to the position.

Thanks for reading Part 1.  Be sure to come back next week to the site to read the 2nd part which includes how you close an interview and how you  should follow your interview up to give you the best chance of success.

Nathan Lloyd

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Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

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With myriad elements going towards making a great CV, we have put together 20 reasons why your CV might fall at the first hurdle.

Last week we spoke about the first 5 reasons your CV could be rejected by recruiters which included candidates using a ridiculous email address, poor spelling and grammar, the use of a candidate picture or URL link to their CV, inaccurate job dates and poor formatting.

Part 2 of 4 and a further 5 tips are contained below:

6.    War & Peace

There are differing opinions on how long a CV should be; some say 2, some say no longer than 3 pages.  Most companies who are recruiting will only be interested in the last 5 to 10 years of your career, no longer than that, and obviously the most recent couple of positions will probably be the reason that you have got the interview in the first place.

So, don’t waffle!  Try and keep your CV to 3 pages maximum.  If you have over 10 years’ experience at work, keep your work history after this just listed by company and position.

Equally, don’t be afraid to shout about your achievements.  A CV that looks light on information will be as readily discarded as the one which reads like an autobiographical epic!

7.    Too Much Personal Information

Just like the pointless process of attaching a picture to your CV, including too much personal info that is unrelated to the job is a waste of space and could be harming your chances of getting a job.

You’re not pitching for a date, so does a recruiter need to know your age, height, weight, religious or political affiliations, marital status or sexual orientation? 

8.    Misleading Information

More and more businesses are now carrying out extensive background checks prior to taking somebody on board.  Nearly everybody embellishes their achievements in jobs on their CV, but stretching the truth could land you in hot water.  We have seen many candidates trip themselves up, with the most common misleading information being put on CVs being:

• The inaccuracy of dates to try and cover up job hopping or unexplained gaps in employment

• Inflated education achievements, including purchasing online degrees which are worthless

• Inflated salaries

• Exaggerated job titles

• Exaggerated career accomplishments

• Blatant lies in regards to roles and duties

9.    Fonts

We get so many CVs where people go a bit ‘artistic’ and use 5 different fonts in all the colours of the rainbow.  The golden CV rule is to keep to one single easy to read font like Calibri, Ariel or the newspaper font of choice, Times New Roman and to keep the font black.  Avoid those hard to read fonts like Blackadder ITC or ugly fonts like Comic Sans.  And try and keep the font size to at least 10, as if you have to reduce the size to 8, it probably indicates that your CV is too busy.

Again, it is always worth printing out a copy and showing to people for their opinion and then taking that feedback on board. 

10.  Long Paragraphs

Put yourself in the shoes of the recruiter.  They want a nice punchy CV that quickly gives them all the info they need, they don’t want to plough through long paragraphs, nor will they probably have the patience to do so.

Your CV needs to be easy for the reader to scan and it should quickly get to the important meaty bits regarding your job history, skills and accomplishments.

Try and ensure that your paragraphs are relatively short and bulleted.  Use plenty of white space, which will make your CV easier to digest.

Thanks for reading the Part 2.  Be sure to come back next week to the site to read the 3rd part including ensuring your CV is bespoke, the importance of a covering letter and how to tackle the employment gap on your CV.

Nathan Lloyd

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

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Even though it’s late afternoon we still see the obligatory shots of contestants brushing teeth and talking nonsense.

Anyway, over to the warehouse and the Lord rambles on about his childhood and self-starting just like every other week, and the teams are swapped around to give them a bit of female balance.

This week’s corporate adventure is to take £150, spend it on dusty rubbish from the warehouse and flog it to another bunch of idiots/unsuspecting public.  Apparently they need to smell what sells, whatever that means.

The Lord tells anyone who hasn’t been project manager that they need to step up.  So clueless Jade takes hold of Phoenix, which could be a disaster and hair flick Nick takes charge of Sterling after Ricky’s failed attempt to gain support.

S H O P P I N G

Lots of pontificating over in team Jade, where they have lots of maps out and talk about the credentials of each location, forgetting they are in warehouse that is closing imminently.

After choosing somewhere in Ilford, they give themselves just 10 minutes to do a Dale Winton style supermarket sweep and grab whatever tat they can.

Team Nick look a little bit more organised, calm and collected, instantly giving you the feeling that they are the better team but will ultimately end up defeated, let’s hope not.

It’s over to a shopping centre in Romford for Nick, Jenna and Gabrielle to sell cheap beauty products at inflated prices to the clichéd public of Essex.  Fake tan, fake nails selling in a fake environment, surely Essex folk don’t really all want to all be on TOWIE do they?

The fake tan is selling like hot cakes, overpriced hot cakes at that.  A £2 wholesale price and they flogging it for £10 a pop, blimey that is a healthy margin, but surely it can’t last?  The beard trimmers are not going down so well, which is surprising given the fact that nearly everybody has a beard don’t they?  Gabrielle switches tact and tries to sell them as bikini trimmers when they realise nearly every shopper is female, I’m not sure if that’s wise or ethical.

The other part of team Nick – Dozy Stephen and Ravishing Rick Rude, are over at a nearby market stall rehearsing a quite hilarious comedy routine that will see the whole of the county flocking to buy their mops.  Stephen uses the word ‘banter’ and any shred of business nous he appeared to have as just evaporated with that one single utterance.

I’m With Stupid

Jade’s tactic in the Ilford shopping centre is seemingly to sell one of everything that was stocked in the warehouse.  Her table of wares resembles the sort of junk I’ve got in my attic; a collection of awful Christmas gifts from Aunties that I don’t have the heart to put in a skip.

Whereas 15 miles away on the dreariest looking market stall on the planet, Adam is charming the old folk with his patter about “rainy day prices”, and it’s going down a storm.  Adam proclaims that apparently he can sell anywhere in the world, as long as the world in question is bigoted and stupid.

And suddenly after weeks of squabbling, Adam and Jade are bessie mates, probably because Adam is the only one who’s managing to shift any of her rubbish.

I don’t know what you want but I can’t give it anymore

I can’t believe I’ve managed to get this far down the blog without mentioning Azhar’s penchant for all things strategic. 

He rings Jade to clarify the strategy, but obviously Jade doesn’t have one so it’s a bit of a wasting conversation.  Azhar should have really just rang and told her what was selling and scrapped the double metaphoric garbage of “running blind into the dark”.  Unfortunately Azhar does make a couple of good points but it’s all lost in his melancholic delivery and as a result no-one is listening.

Jade’s restocking tactic down the warehouse is to buy all the same rubbish she bought the first time around, forgetting that she needed to smell what sells.  She ignores her team who tell her to buy the plastic bugs, which for some reason the public are lapping up, perhaps they just want to be on TV and will pay £3 for the opportunity?

Nick has sent the Chuckle brothers (Ricky & Stephen) back to the warehouse to replenish their stock, but they’re not chuffed as they are convinced that they are the stellar salesmen of the team.  They have basically just become the delivery men for the task.

They have also been ordered to leave any unsold stock on the market stall rather than taking the 4 minutes it would take to carry it to the shopping centre, which is a big mistake.

And when they get caught in the London traffic, guess what?  Yep, Nick’s team run out of tat to sell in the shopping centre and I’m sure the Lord will mention that later.

When they arrive at the Warehouse, they can only get their mitts on 84 bottle of fake tan.  A crestfallen Nick tells them to buy more hot water bottles instead.  Surely anything fake or orange would have been a better bet?

In The Night

Both team’s rock up for some late night selling at Lakeside and Azhar is still wittering on about the lack of strategy, strategy and more strategy.  He’s like the world’s most irritating corporate parrot.

Jade utters the phrase, “I stick with what I’ve done”.  It’s like listening to those female poets Plath or Dickinson in their pomp back in the day.  Anyway, I’m sure that will come back to haunt her.

The teams take different selling tactics with team Nick staying strong and selling at full retail prices whereas Jade has quickly slashed the prices in a panic to get rid.

You won’t find this fake tan anywhere cheaper announces Gabrielle on Team Nick.  That is unless you walk across to Jade’s stall where you can get them for nearly a third of the price.

Home and Dry

Its back to the boardroom bear pit and everyone pats Nick on the back for being a bloody nice bloke.  To be fair he made one mistake leaving the stock at the market, but he was a decent team leader this week.

Jade on the other hand had no strategy, as Azhar is quick to point out.  The locations were wrong and stock choice was random at best. 

The numbers come out and Jade’s team end up with assets of £838, but Nick’s team win with an impressive £955.  The right team won, which given the clever editing of the show was a surprise as you always think the underdogs are going to come through.

The thing that sticks in my craw is that although making £955 from £150 sounds like a wonderful return.  How much does it cost for 5 people’s wages, a chauffeured car to the warehouse and the expense of pitches in Ilford market and shopping centre and Lakeside?  So as much as Sith Sugar blabbers on about how easy it is to start a business, and that all you need is a van, the reality is that if you take account of the expenses, the teams wouldn’t even have broken even.

Their ‘prize’ for the winning team is a trip to a cocktail bar to watch some bloke make drinks.  Wow!  I’m guessing the budget must be diminishing for the prizes week on week.  As next week the winning team will be sitting next to the losing team in the Bridge Café eating a full English.

Two Divided by Zero

Surely Jade is for the high jump, she was monumentally awful.  Her ‘strategy’ of selling the fake tan for an average price of £3.50 compared to team Nick’s £6.70 was the biggest contributing factor to her team’s loss.  She also panicked and slashed her prices too quickly, didn’t listen to her team when it came to restocking and chose poor locations after deliberating about them for far too long.  Considering all that though , it wasn’t a bad total really.

Jade quickly decides to bring strategist Azhar back with her, who I’m guessing she would pick twice if she could and unwisely also drags nailed on finalist Token Tom back in with her, the only team member who was half decent.

Come on Sugar, just sack Jade and let’s turn over to BBC2 and see her Carol Thatcher like delivery being scrutinised by Dara O’Briain on You’re Fired.

Out of control Jade is described by Karen as chaotic.  But then attention is switched to grump bag Azhar who is criticised for huffing and puffing and uttering the word strategy about a thousand times with no substance.

Jade delivers a speech about making Sugar millions from her business plan in five years and I think Alan is swallowing it. 

The Lord teases us with a speech about Jade’s shortcomings, only to move his finger quickly across to Azhar and fire the disco shorts wearing fitness freak.

A total injustice; ok, Azhar was never going to win and his embarrassing ‘strategy’ Tourette’s was just too much to bear.  Perhaps Sith Sugar was also aware that if he sacked Jade he would have had six chaps and three ladies left, so perhaps it was a balancing act.

Nine left and next week’s task is art.  Shall we start the taxi for Adam now?

Thanks for reading, see you all again next week.

Nathan Lloyd

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Bank.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

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To be in with a shot of getting an interview for that job, you really need to master the art of writing a stellar CV and know how to avoid the pitfalls that could scupper your chances.

We’ve compiled our top 20 reasons why your CV might get rejected and how to address these.  The first 5 are below and let us know if you spot any of these in your own CV.

Let’s start with my own particular bugbear…

1.    A Ridiculous Email Address

You may be a fan of Alan Partridge, but do you need to put this is a pithy email address – kissmyface@yahoo.co.uk?  Email addresses like this should be kept for private use.  It takes 5 minutes to set up a ‘professional sounding’ email address via Hotmail, Yahoo, Google or any of the other free email providers.

We see some real shocking email addresses and they give us an instant negative perception of a candidate.  What a shame it would be to be the perfect fit for a position only to fall at the first hurdle because of your ‘funny’ email address?

2.    Spelling & Grammar

No real excuses for this, but it’s amazing the amount of CVs that come through littered with spelling mistakes and poor grammar.  We have even seen the misspelling of Curriculum Vitae itself (pictured above).  Try to remember that this is a document that represents you and mistakes will reflect incredibly badly.

Check and check your CV once again.  And then pass it onto a friend who will able to check it and give you some constructive criticism.  One great way to check your CV is to sit down and read it out loud.  This will flag up any sections that may be too long or may need more punctuation.

3.    A Picture or a URL Link

This may be something that is acceptable on the continent, but including a headshot on your CV in the UK might cause some amusement to the recruiter, but will probably just get your CV one step closer to the ‘no’ pile.

Unless the line of work requires that you have the right image for the role, i.e. acting or modelling, then there is absolutely no reason to include a lovely photo of yourself.  A candidate will be judged on their ability to do the job based on their skill, work history and education not because they have a nice smile, well hopefully not anyway!

You should also stick to a word format for the CV and not a PDF or a ZIP file, etc.  Give the recruiter a valid reason not to open up your CV and they’ll take it!  And remember that it will be the Word based CV that gets onto to the recruiters HR systems and posted on to the job boards.

And if you are a graphic designer or multimedia developer, resist the temptation to simply send a link to download your CV from your homepage.  Again, just a simple Word based CV will suffice and you can always direct a recruiter towards some supporting material once you grab their interest.

4.    Inaccurate Dates

You must ensure that when you list your jobs that you have accurate start and finish dates; usually stipulating the month and year will be sufficient.  A CV without this information will be rejected because the recruiter will simply think you are trying to hide something.

5.    Formatting

There is nothing worse than seeing a CV on screen or paper and spending ages trying to decipher where each section starts and ends.  Poor formatting won’t just turn off the recruiter it could also put a candidate at a real disadvantage when it comes to job boards.  Some job boards will struggle to correctly display a poorly formatted CV at all.

Thanks for reading Part 1 of 4.  Come back next week to the Coburg Banks site to read the 2^nd part including advice on how long your CV should be, what fonts to use and just how much personal information you should be sharing.

Nathan Lloyd

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Banks.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

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There are so many facets that go towards making a good CV and you may be wondering which aspect is causing your CV to struggle to make an impact?

With barely 30 seconds to impress a recruiter, could your CV be failing because it’s so chock full of meaningless phrases and throwaway buzzwords that it simply doesn’t do your career history justice?

We have listed the top ten phrases we constantly see repeated in offending CVs.  If you spot any of them in your CV, don’t worry, there are some quick fixes below to help you get you back on track.

Let’s kick off with a classic…..

1. I have a strong work ethic

And?  Why on earth do candidates think this would set them apart from the others?  Avoid using this phrase all together anywhere on your CV.  Instead, give an example where you have gone the extra mile; working late to meet a deadline or going out of your way to clinch that sale.  I’m sure the recruiter will be smart enough to understand the inference.

2. I’m a team-player

We see this one mentioned on so many CVs with nothing to give it any substance.  Demonstrate how you collaborated with colleagues to meet an objective, how you understood your role in the task and how you delivered.  Again, avoid using the phrase itself if you can.

3. I always focus on the bottom line

Another cringe worthy bit of terminology that is meaningless unless you can really demonstrate how you contributed to the success of the business.  Remember, this doesn’t always mean adding pounds, shillings and pence, you could illustrate how you saved the organisation time and resources which all go towards that bottom line saving.

4.  I’m self-motivated

I’m never really sure what point someone is trying to get across when they stipulate this little gem on their CV.  By self-motivated do they mean they are motivated enough to simply get out of bed every morning and do a day’s work?  Avoid this phrase. If you have enough examples in your CV where you demonstrate hard work then sound bites like this can always be avoided.

5. I’m detail orientated

As opposed to what?  If you state this as one of your core skills and then have a typo on your CV or covering letter don’t expect much sympathy.

6. I’m a hardworker

Really?  Oh, that’s a relief.  With your CV sitting on the maybe pile, don’t expect this little bit of insight to see your CV move onto the yes pile.  Don’t just put it down as one of your key attributes; instead demonstrate it throughout your CV with details of why you consider yourself to be a hardworking individual.

7. I have great communication skills

So do dolphins.  Why have you got good communication skills?  Is it motivating teams, presenting to large audiences, creating a press release or newsletter?  Again, this is a piece of terminology candidates either put down on a CV or say in an interview, without any real thought of what it means.

8. I have a proven track record

Like so many of the points above, this one is all about the detail.  Anyone can say they have a proven track record, so prove it.  Give specifics, give numbers, give details – “I ran a promotion that had an ROI of 3:1, creating a footfall increase of 120%.  Facts and numbers will be far more impressive than yet another sound bite.

9. I like a fast paced environment

In these times of recession and high unemployment, there aren’t many organisations that are over-staffed.  Work load expectations have increased dramatically over the last couple of decades with even the public sector finally realising they can expect more from individuals for the same money.

This means that the phrase ‘fast paced environment’ is as good as redundant these days.  All businesses should be running at an optimum speed and stating that this is how you like to operate is just a waste of space on your CV.

10.  Reference available by request

I’m just as guilty as putting this pointless bit of info on my CV.  Perspective employees will obviously be asking for references before they take you on, they won’t ponder whether they can ask!  Delete this from your CV.

I hope you found some of these pointers useful.
Next week’s I’ll be looking at 10 reasons why your CV might be rejected; from spelling mistakes to poor formatting, there are myriad reasons why your CV won’t be hitting the mark.

Nathan Lloyd

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Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Banks Recruitment.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

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Yes, it’s off to bonny Scotland, for this year’s cut price “we’re doing a task abroad” task.

Business brain of the year, Adam, is to lead team Phoenix, whilst his female equivalent Jenna, is to oversee goings on over in Sterling.

This week’s task is all about serving up gourmet street food to the wonderful types up on the streets of Edinburgh.

Adam immediately puts two and two together and declares he is perfect for the task having come from a market trader background. Could Adam really be perfect for any task? Perhaps if the task was to be the embodiment of a xenophobic, sexist, myopic numbskull from 1972, then I wouldn’t be able to think of a finer candidate.

Adam demonstrates his grip on modern culture by claiming that everybody in Scotland eats deep-fried Mars Bars and that no-one eats sushi. Who eats sushi he asks, at which point every person in his team holds their hands up, much to Adam’s amazement.

Anyway, let’s stop picking on Adam, as much fun as that is.

Slop in a box

The teams go and sample some fantastic street food wares and as is the Apprentice way, they will ignore any decent bit of research that smacks them in the face.

Over in Adam’s team, they literally have one idea, and that is meatballs and pasta which Adam thinks should be garnished with “spinach or summat”. On the way up to Edinburgh, Adam continues his one man campaign to bring back the Seventies by suggesting their dish should include corned beef and hoped the “trolley dolly” might make an appearance soon.

Adam wants to put slop in a box – buying cheap rubbish ingredients and selling it on for a whopping profit, think Ratner meets McDonalds.

Jenna’s team go with a casserole idea but with quality ingredients. Sounds like a good concept until she asks, “what if people come to the stand and speak Scottish?” Where do they find these people?

Too many cooks

The teams head for the development kitchens to perfect their dishes. Adam just wants to reduce all costs; I’m surprised he wants to use any ingredients whatsoever. Jenna doesn’t flinch when she is informed her meals are currently coming out at £2.50 a pop, I do hope that doesn’t come back to bite her.

So, let’s see what gems of brilliance the teams can come up with when it comes to branding. After the Belisssiimmo debacle, surely Stephen isn’t best place to come up with a brand name for team Meatballs? But, yes, they have decided he is obviously the master of the Italian language and he comes up with the quite brilliant, “Utterly delicious meatballs”. I’m amazed he hasn’t spelt meatball with one ‘l’.

Rather than conjuring up images of Venice and Rome, “Utterly delicious meatballs” takes me back to my students days and buying ‘No Frills’ meatballs in a tin for 25p from the now defunct local Kwiksave.

Adam is going to literally try and rob the Scots with his pricing strategy. Team meatballs portions are coming in at a staggering 49p and they are going to try and flog them on for £5.99 each. For £5.99 you basically get five rabbit dropping sized meatballs, a handful of budget pasta and a dribble of budget tomato gunk – nice.

Again, its finalist shoe-in Tom who questions Adam’s skinflint tactics, but Adam is sticking by his guns, let’s just hope this particularly gun shoots Adam in his foot.

It’s ‘Scotpot’ for team casserole, which is alright actually, a bit obvious in a Scottish kind of way, but leagues above the other team’s woeful efforts. And their product looks edible, compared to the vile meatballs anyway.

Don’t Come Home Too Soon

Whenever I’ve been to a football match, I’ve always thought that there was never enough places to eat rabbit droppings with pasta for £5.99. Surely this was just what the football fans of Hearts and Rangers wanted as well? No, they have some sense and are ignoring the over-priced meatballs in favour of what they usually eat.

Well done Katie for thinking that your common football fan wanted a gourmet alternative, although the meatballs on offer are about as gourmet as a kebab in a bin.

Meanwhile, team Scotpot have pitched up at Parliament Square and are asking people straight after breakfast if they would like some casserole, erm no, seems to be the stock answer.

Ricky thinks that the bellowing sound of Bagpipes will get the punters flocking to eat their Scotpot. I don’t know about you, but I always love to have to shout my food order over the sound of Mull of Kintyre blasting out at 100db, very relaxing.

After the rabbit droppings don’t sell outside the football ground; Katie, Azhar and Stephen spend over £3 on jingoistic costumes as a Pizza, a Centurion and an Italian flag, give me strength. Remind me which Pizzas are they are selling?

They then try and ambush a tour bus, telling the tourists on board to get off the bus and buy some locally sourced meatballs. Really? They thought that selling cheap Italian food was a winning tactic?

That fails abysmally and team Meatballs is sinking fast, hooray!

Team Scotpot have moved locations and Ricky is sporting his new Rowdy Roddy Piper wrestling kit and charming the public with his, “ow ya doin’” approach.

Team Meatballs have actually sold quite well towards the end of the day, worryingly.

Alan the Bruce

Line of the day comes from Sith Sugar who when told that Adam was trying to sell his meatballs for £5.99 outside the Hearts football ground, said, “They don’t pay that for a striker”. He tells them they have missed a trick not using the Chef’s name in the branding. I think the chef got a lucky escape somehow.

The figures show team Meatball make a profit of £298 but team Scotpot win the task with £319. I’ve never been happier to see one team lose.

Team Scotpot’s prize is to head to a country house and Segway mash up, quite bizarre.

And after the café, back in the board room Stephen bends the truth quite a bit and starts chanting Azhar’s name in a vain attempt for Adam to pick him. This seems to work and Adam brings Katie and Azhar back for the final battle.

Adam says that he brought back Azhar, because he “didn’t do owt”. And Katie is in there for pinning all her hopes and dreams on selling meatballs at a football match.

But really, how can he not point the finger at Adam? It was Adam who wanted to cut corners and it was Adam who had the final say….

Oh what’s the point? Adam tells the lord he worked on a market, he’s played his trump card, his, “I’m like you, don’t fire me “ trump card.

So, after being in the bottom 3 in weeks 1, 3 and now 6, my office sweepstake pick Katie the blonde assassin has a dignified exit. She may have made a load of mistakes, but was one of the few contestants you would happily go to the pub with.

Shame then, but Adam is this year’s Jedi Jim and although he is completely incompetent, he does make great TV.

So another week over, and we are halfway through the series. Who do you think is a contender to win? Personally, I’m backing wrestling Ricky and whispering Tom for the final.

But a lot could happen before then. See you all again next week.

Nathan Lloyd

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Nathan Lloyd is the Group Marketing Manager of Coburg Banks.

Connect to him on LinkedIn

Follow him on Twitter