Coburg Banks | Multi-sector UK recruitment agency

Bad Bosses: 50 Weird Things Managers Have Said to Employees

By James Ball | Jun 23, 2016 | Friday Funnies

boss with devil shadow behind him It’s a hard life being a Manager – and we can’t get it right all of the time.

(You show me a perfect boss and I’ll show you a pig that can fly).

However, there is a professional line that should never (ever, ever) be crossed.

And the 50 bad bosses on this list crossed it.

Would you want to work with them?

Ridiculous Requests

Koi fish swimming and feedingSometimes, you just have to say no…

1. “Can you catch me one of the Koi fish from the pond?”

2. “Take Mandy (the mistress) shopping.”

3. “Could you scratch my back please? All over.”

4. “I think I threw it in the bin last week – can you try and root it out for me?”

5. “I need you to tell my husband that we were together last night… intimately.”

6. “Will you babysit my 18 year old (6 foot 5) son for the day?”

7. “Guard the door” (to her office).

8. “I need you to delete all of my files and all of my history, without looking at any of it.”

9. “Clean up the dead mice please.” (After extermination).

10. “I need a hand removing my stitches.”

11. “Go and steal me Joe’s sandwich from the fridge.”

Brutal Bosses

bear waving at camera manYou’ve got to laugh or you’d probably cry…

12. “You’re actually NOT smarter than an average bear.”

13. “You literally stink of fish – every day.”

14. “Your handwriting is awful. Are you a five-year-old child?”

15. “I don’t understand how you can be alive.”

16. “Your mother would be ashamed.” (My mother passed away a month before).

17. “Your target for the next six months? Find a new job…”

18. “Tell me something, why do you think no one here really likes you?”

19. “Nice haircut, Forrest.”

20. “When you open your mouth, your IQ rapidly starts dropping.”

21. “I really don’t care if you have IBS. You’ll have to hold it in like everyone else.”

Bizarre and Awkward Questions

woman in suit running away from ghost - cartoonMost of these would probably have gone down a lot better in the pub after a few beverages…

22. “Do you believe in ghosts? You should. There’s one behind you.”

23. “Am I ugly? Do you think anyone would ever love me?”

24. “Will you be my surrogate?” (Asked repeatedly over several weeks).

25. “So, what’s the CEO’s name again?”

26. “Would you rather lose your eyes or your sexual organs?”

27. “How much data can you store in an elephant?”

28. “If I were to sack you… would you cause a fuss?”

29. “Do you know how to turn my computer screen into a mirror?”

30. “What is the best way to make someone love you?”

Fun (But Strange) Instructions

homer on the bed eating loads of different foodsI could definitely get on board with some of these…

31. “Would you mind visiting a few restaurants and sampling potential food for my birthday party?”

32. “I want you to watch all of Making a Murderer today and tell me what you think.”

33. “I need you to babysit my Tamagotchi.”

34. “Today, you’re ditching work. I’d like you to take my daughter out to the cinema.”

35. “Can you organise a hula-hoop competition for the Management team?”

36. “I need you to read all of Harry Potter to me as I work.”

37. “We’re going to prank everyone. I need you to buy red duct tape, rope and a mirror.”

38. “Will you watch this scary movie with me? I’m too scared to watch it alone.”

39. “This is serious. I need you to pretend to be me and beat my wife at online scrabble.”

A Lawsuit Waiting to Happen

model looking into camera And of course, there are those managers who are skating on really, really thin ice…

40. “Oh! Just sit there and look pretty.”

41. “You mean the one with the big boobs?”

42. “Next time, remind me not to hire anyone with kids.”

43. “Too many people get sick or die in your family.”

44. “For god’s sake, chill out (whilst throwing a tampon at me).”

45. “I mean yeah, child labour and stuff. Blah blah whatever.” 

46. “Why is he so angry? It must be the ginger rage.”

47. “I would” (loudly, as I walked past).

48. “Do this body shot or I’ll sack you” (I’ve been teetotal for 10 years and married for 6).

49. “I’ll give you a pay rise if you lose a stone.”

50. “I’m sacking you because my wife thinks you’re too sexy.”

So what do you do?

How can you deal with these nightmarish bosses?

This blog post is supposed to be light-hearted and fun, but it is important to remember that you shouldn’t – and don’t have to – bear the brunt of your boss’s inadequacy.

There are ways to deal with the problem. Click here to read about some of them.

Of course, you may also start to wonder whether you want to work there in the first place – life’s too short to hate your job.

Recruiter Pro Tip

Are you feeling a little uneasy? Do some of these quotes seem a little too familiar? Could YOU be a bad boss?

Being a horrible boss is a HUGE mistake…

Your staff will become disengaged and disloyal, they certainly won’t care about the business and did you know that your bad behaviour could actually make them ill?

Click here to read more blogs on how to improve as a manager.

If you’d just like to read more funny stories like this one, feel free to subscribe to this Friday Funnies blog and we’ll send over a short weekly update with the latest!

Want to read more on bad bosses?

Or to read more of the hilarious, weird and downright offensive things that managers have (genuinely) said and done to their employees, click on the links below…

Enjoy – and happy Friday folks.

- James Ball

James Ball

James is the founder and owner of Coburg Banks and a recruitment expert from Sutton Coldfield in the UK.  He regularly advises companies on how to improve and get the maximum ROI from their recruitment processes.

> More blog posts by James Ball

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