Coburg Banks | Multi-sector UK recruitment agency

50 Nightmare Clients You’d (Probably) Never Want to Work With

By Charles Trivett | Jun 17, 2016 | Friday Funnies

If you’re a regular reader of our blog, you may remember our light-hearted post about horrible bosses?

cartoon man screaming at other manOr perhaps the one about horrendous co-workers

Or even our tell-all piece on terrible interviewers?

Well, it occurred to me that there’s one group of business associates that we haven’t touched upon yet… customers! So I’m going to put that right today.

This week I’ve been collecting some horror stories from our consultants, clients, candidates and the World Wide Web.

The customer is always right… right? Perhaps not.

Ridiculous Requests

Closeup portrait angry young woman blowing steam coming out of ears, having nervous atomic breakdown, screaming isolated grey wall background. Negative human emotion facial expression feeling attitude1. “We need to remove the baby’s ear or at least move it around the side a bit” (to a Designer).

2. “I don’t like pasta and pizza” (to a waiter in an Italian restaurant).

3. “I want it to feel like a warm handshake” (to a Designer).

4. “The hamster you sold me is unfriendly and won’t cuddle” (to a Pet Shop Owner).

5. “I want a different penny. This one is dirty” (to a Shop Assistant).

6. “But would the banana drop realistically drive the chocolate submarine?” (To a Designer).

7. “You photo-shopped freckles onto my face” (to a Photographer).

8. “I don’t have the money, but I was thinking I could cook your dinner instead?” (To a Tutor).

9. “Don’t just stand there, you’re supposed to be dressing me” (to a Shop Assistant).

10. “Can the woman in the picture look like she’s burning 300 calories?” (To a Designer).

11. “The target audience is males and females from zero upwards” (to a Marketer).

12. “The sandwich needs to be more playful” (to a Designer).

13. “I’d like to get a refund on this book. The ending was terrible” (to a Book Shop Assistant).

14. “I love the colour – but could we change it?” (To a Designer).

15. “I’d appreciate it if you’d remove that toddler from the restaurant” (to a Waiter).

The Weird and Wonderful

pig looking very pleased with itself - cartoon16. “Can we make the pig sexier?” (To a Designer).

17. “I want steak that tastes like tree bark”

(To a Waiter).

18. “I’d like sour cream in my coffee, please.”

(To a Barista).

19. “Give me cheese that’ll make me glow in the dark.” (To a Sandwich Maker in Subway).

20. “How many centimetres is a pixel?” (To a Designer).

21. “The Matrix has taken over my computer” (to IT Support).

22. “Take my advice, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins” (to a Designer).

23. “You’d make a beautiful corpse” (to a Shop Assistant).

24. “I sense someone or something is following you” (to a Receptionist).

25. “I don’t want you – I want him” (to a Shop Assistant).

26. “You can sit on my lap for a dollar” (to a Shop Assistant).

27. “Can I pop over and we’ll hug this out?” (To a Marketer).

28. “Your hair looks like a poop” (to a Shop Assistant).

29. “This green blanket makes me look like a leprechaun” (to Customer Services).

30. “I want to make it clear that if you mess this up, I will end you” (to a Barista).

31. “I would prefer it if you called me Sir” (to an Accountant).

32. “I’m not being funny but why would I let someone with a bird’s nest on their head, cut my hair?” (to a Hairdresser).

33. “I want glasses that make me look like a serial killer porn star” (to an Optometrist).

34. “Oh yes, I dreamt about you last night” (to a Shop Assistant).

Confusing Complaints

Business cartoon of dead customer who has been on hold forever, 'Your call is very important to us... Please continue to hold...'.35. “Some of your plants were wet.”

(To Garden Centre Staff).

36. “I don’t like you, you’re too polite.”

(To a Recruitment Consultant).

37. “I printed it out but the GIF isn’t moving.”

(To a Designer).

38. “You’ve sent me a foreigner’s work. What does Lorem Ipsum mean?” (To a Marketer).

39. “The font is too sexy” (to a Designer).

40. “I don’t want to hire him, he’s too short” (to a Recruitment Consultant).

41. “The chicken in my sandwich tastes like it was beaten to death by Hulk Hogan. Was it?” (To Sainsbury’s Customer Service).

42. “The ice isn’t cold enough” (to a Waiter).

43. “This food arrived too quickly” (to a Waiter).

44. “There’s foam in my cappuccino” (to a Barista).

45. “It’s health and safety gone mad” (to a Leisure Centre Attendant who asked her to leave because she was smoking by the pool).

46. “This soup is too hot” (to a Waiter).

47. “The guy sat next to me just farted” (to Cinema Staff).

48. “Why didn’t you call and let me know you didn’t receive my fax” (to a Receptionist).

49. “I’d like to make a formal complaint. I caught your colleague smoking the other day” (to a Marketer).

50. And the Winner Is…

“I used to work at a fast food restaurant in high school. One day I was taking an order in the drive thru and they seemed completely normal. 

When she pulled up to the window, she had a chicken puppet on her hand and when I told her the total she yelled “LOOK THE CHICKEN IN HER EYES, NOT ME!”

Courtesy of BuzzFeed.

What would you do?

Imagine how difficult dealing with these complaints, requests and (just plain weird) statements must have been – anyone out there who works in customer service, we salute you!

If you’d like to read more of these bizarre client stories, check them out on…

Or if you’re interesting in reading more light-hearted and funny blog posts like this one, click here to subscribe. We’ll send over a short and sweet weekly email with the latest.

Happy Friday.

- Charles Trivett
Charles - blog author

Charles Trivett

Charles heads up Coburg Banks’ IT Division, and has worked in recruitment for nearly 20 years.  His knowledge of how to optimise and get the most from a recruitment campaign is second to none, and he now works with a select handful of clients in maximising their recruitment ROI.

> More blog posts by Charles Trivett

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