There are many things in life that make you stop and wonder if we, as a species, are truly doomed.
The fact that people still argue about whether the Earth is flat.
The continued existence of Crocs.
The baffling popularity of reality TV where contestants can’t spell their own names.
And then… there are job adverts.
If you’ve ever scrolled through a jobs board thinking, “What in the name of David Attenborough’s soothing voice is this nonsense?” - you are not alone.
Because, for reasons known only to the darkest corners of HR departments, some employers seem hell-bent on writing job descriptions that defy logic, reason, and occasionally, the English language.
The Mystery Jobs
Let’s start with my personal favourite - the Deliberately Vague Job Title.
You know the ones:
- "Happiness Evangelist" – Is this a job, or is someone trying to recruit a cult?
- "Brand Ninja" – If I take this role, am I legally allowed to assassinate competitors?
- "Digital Prophet" – What does this even mean? Am I expected to stand on a mountain and declare to the people that Q2 revenue will be unprecedented?
The best part is, these jobs often come with a description so meaningless it might as well have been generated by a malfunctioning AI.
"We're looking for a dynamic, results-driven team player who thrives in a fast-paced environment with a passion for delivering holistic, synergy-driven solutions."
Translation: We have no idea what we want. But we’ll know it when we see it.
The Salary Situation (or Lack of One)
Then we have the job adverts that simply refuse to tell you how much you’ll be paid.
Ah yes, the classic:
"Competitive salary."
Which, let’s be honest, means not competitive at all. If the pay was any good, they’d be shouting it from the rooftops.
Instead, they’re hoping you’re so desperate that you’ll happily accept exposure as a form of payment.
And let’s not forget:
"Salary: DOE."
Otherwise known as Depends On Experience, which actually means Depends On How Gullible You Are When We Lowball You.
The Expectations That Defy Reality
Ah, and now we arrive at the pièce de résistance - the job adverts that expect you to be a fully trained Navy SEAL, a Nobel Prize-winning scientist, and an Olympic athlete all rolled into one.
"Entry-level role – must have 7+ years of experience."
Ah yes, I forgot about all those work experience opportunities I had when I was in the womb. My mistake.
"Looking for a self-starter who can handle extreme pressure in a chaotic environment."
So… a bomb disposal expert? No? Just a receptionist? Right.
"We need a rockstar marketer with world-class copywriting skills, graphic design expertise, SEO mastery, paid ads knowledge, video editing proficiency, and PR experience."
For £24,000 a year.
Sure. And I suppose you also want them to be proficient in Microsoft Word?
The Work-Life Balance (or Total Lack Thereof)
Then there are the job adverts that give themselves away with one simple phrase:
"Must be willing to go the extra mile."
Translation: We will make you work 14-hour days, gaslight you into thinking that’s normal, and reward you with a £10 Amazon voucher at Christmas.
Or this absolute gem:
"We’re like a family here."
Oh God.
That means unpaid overtime, emotional blackmail, and Susan from HR trying to organise forced fun every Friday.
And Yet…
Despite all of this, the workforce trundles on, bravely applying for roles that sound suspiciously like human rights violations.
Because, at the end of the day, we all need to pay our bills, even if it means becoming a "Customer Service Wizard" for minimum wage in a company that describes itself as "disruptive and innovative", but is actually just three blokes in a basement with a Wix website.
Need to Recruit Without the Nonsense?
If reading this has made you want to reassess your own job adverts, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we write real job ads that attract real candidates - not “ninjas,” not “wizards,” and certainly not “gurus.”
So if you need to recruit without making people question their will to live, get in touch.
We’ll make sure your job advert actually makes sense - and more importantly, actually gets results.
