In the world of recruitment, there’s a secret language spoken by hiring managers everywhere.
It’s subtle, it’s nuanced, and it requires a level of interpretation that would leave even the best codebreakers feeling a little out of their depth.
Because, you see, what hiring managers say and what they actually mean are often two very different things.
Think of it as a corporate version of translating ancient hieroglyphics - except instead of discovering long-lost treasures, you’re just trying to secure a job without losing your sanity in the process.
“We’re a Fast-Paced Environment”
Ah, the classic opener.
What they say:
“We’re a fast-paced environment, perfect for driven individuals."
What they mean:
"You will be expected to sprint at the speed of light without dropping dead from exhaustion. If you haven't mastered the art of eating your lunch in 47 seconds flat, this isn’t the role for you."
The reality is, you’ll spend most of your days playing a frantic game of corporate Tetris, where fitting all the tasks into your schedule is a challenge worthy of the Olympics.
“Looking for Self-Starters”
What they say:
"We’re looking for self-starters who can work independently."
What they mean:
"We have absolutely no idea how to do this job, and there’s no one here to train you. On day one, we’ll hand you a laptop and a vague idea of what might need doing. Good luck out there!"
This isn't just about working autonomously; it's about learning to swim while being shown to the deep end - no armbands in sight.
“We Value Work-Life Balance”
What they say:
"We value work-life balance here at [Company Name]."
What they mean:
"We think work-life balance is a really good idea. Unfortunately, we’ve no idea how to implement it, so expect emails at midnight and a mandatory ‘fun’ team-building exercise during your weekend."
In the land of the working, ‘valuing’ work-life balance often means acknowledging its theoretical existence, rather than actively promoting it.
“Opportunities for Growth”
What they say:
"You’ll have plenty of opportunities for growth within the company."
What they mean:
"Eventually, you’ll do the work of three people while still being paid like one. Growth here refers to your workload, not your career."
Instead of climbing the career ladder, you might find yourself on a never-ending escalator of responsibilities.
“We Offer a Competitive Salary”
What they say:
"We offer a competitive salary reflective of your experience."
What they mean:
"Our salaries are so competitive that you’ll feel like you’re constantly fighting for a raise that never arrives. It's like The Hunger Games, but with fewer spears and more spreadsheets."
In truth, the competition might be against your rising cost of living rather than any other company.
“We’re Like a Family Here”
What they say:
"We’re like a family here at [Company Name]."
What they mean:
"Expect passive-aggressive emails, awkward birthday celebrations, and the occasional bout of drama over who finished the milk. But hey, at least we’ll grudgingly help you move house once in a blue moon."
‘Family’ in this context isn’t about warmth and support; it’s more the awkward holiday dinner kind of family.
“We Value Communication”
What they say:
"We value open communication and transparency."
What they mean:
"We’ll hold endless meetings to discuss the meeting agenda, send emails about the emails we’re planning to send, and leave you utterly confused about what we’re actually supposed to be doing."
In practice, it might mean navigating a labyrinth of memos and PowerPoint slides.
“We’re Looking for Passionate Individuals”
What they say:
"We’re looking for passionate individuals to join our team."
What they mean:
"We need someone who cares enough to find solutions to problems we didn’t even know existed. Passion, in this case, refers to your ability to stay optimistic while wading through chaos."
The enthusiasm they seek is often a thin veil for relentless problem-solving.
Need Help Navigating the Hiring Process?
If you’re tired of decoding cryptic job adverts and want to connect with employers who say what they mean, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we bridge the gap between companies and candidates with clarity and honesty.
If you’re hiring and want to attract the best talent without the smoke and mirrors, get in touch.
Let’s help you find people who understand what you mean - the first time around.
