As you can imagine, we see thousands of CVs here at Coburg Banks. Every now and again, you'll hear one of our consultants chuckle at something they've read on one of them.
Some of the phrases and typos we see are truly hilarious, so we've collated 69 of the funniest for you to laugh at as well. These are real life examples, and we've laid them out in the same order that you'd expect to see in an application.
Let's start with the covering letter...
1. Covering Letter.
- “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated”
- “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
- "Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
- “I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”
- “I’m submitting my CV to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience”
- “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
- “Dear Sir/Modem.”
- “Sorry for any incontinence.”
- “This is my CV I am intrested in any job opening use have avaiable if u could please send a vercation that you reciceved the email”
- “looking for a party-time position.”
- "I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home."
2. Personal Profile.
- “My favourite colour is Taupe, cos it rhymes with Dope”
- “I do have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage”
- “I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I puts my mind to it. Computor litrate.”
- “Current Salary: £28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.”
- “Desired Position: Profreader.”
- “Number of dependents: 40”
- "Martial Status: Celibate"
3. Work History.
- “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people”
- “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”
- “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing and executing final candidates.”
- Gap in CV: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
- “Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
- “Dispensed medication and passed out.”
- “References: Clare” (We might need a little more info)
- “Size of Employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
- “I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
- “Night stalker in Tesco”
- “Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying, negotiating and sock-control experience”
- “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies”
4. Key Achievements.
- “Being sober”
- “Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”
- “I came first in the school long distance race”
- “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes”
- “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
- “Oversight of entire department.”
5. Reason For Leaving.
- “It was hard work”
- “Company insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
- “Responsibility makes me nervous”
- “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
- “I din’t give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”
6. Key Skills.
- “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”
- “Quick lerner, good at mats amd speling”
- “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
- “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”
- “I am a great team player I am”
- “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”
- “Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves. Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes. ”
- “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”
- “My qulifications include close atention to detail.”
- “Grate communication skills.”
- “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
- “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”
- “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”
- “I Speak English and Spinach.”
- “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
- “I am a rabid typist”
7. Education & Qualifications
- “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
- “University: August 1890 to May 1993″
- “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
- “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
8. And finally, Hobbies & Interests.
- “Donating blood - 12 litres so far.”
- “I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
- “Horse rideing,like going pub when havent got my kids.looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they anit at school.”
- “Marital Arts” (Possibly meant martial arts?)
- “i like playing sport, which i fined gives me a winning appitite for life’”
- “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people”
- “Painting my toenails in varying colours”
Final thought (Jerry Springer style): Do yourself a huge, huge favour and double, or even triple check your CVs and covering letters before you send them to potential employers. As funny as these gaffes are, you want to be taken seriously and not laughed at! Make sure your CV isn't material for another post like this! Take care of yourself, and each other...