Coburg Banks | Multi-sector UK recruitment agency

50 Hilarious LinkedIn Headlines

By Mark Wilkinson | May 12, 2016 | Friday Funnies

woman looking in disbelief at computer“You really need to add some personality to your LinkedIn profile” – ever heard this one before?

As a recruiter, I agree with the logic – trawling through profiles, CVs and cover letters filled with predictable platitudes like ‘hardworking graduate looking for a challenge’ can be mind-numbingly boring.

Occasionally you come across a quirky, original, interesting page and you just think YES! I want to speak to you.

And then (even more occasionally) you come across a ‘quirky,’ ‘original’ and ‘interesting’ page that just makes you cringe…

Today, we’re revealing 50 of the strangest, most cringe-worthy and hilarious LinkedIn headlines we’ve read over the years!

Playful or arrogant?

they can't do what I can do linkedIn summary1. Men want to be me, women want to be with me and companies want to hire me. It’s as simple as that.

2. You remember the kid at school, who knew everyone, knew all the latest trends, and even knew how to talk to the girls? That’s me.

3. Ruthless in business – and proud of it. Don’t get in my way.

4. Tie-loathing adventurer and thrill-seeker.

5. Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar.

6. The Coolest Guy in Nashville…Google It To See For Yourself.

7. Don’t hate me because I’m better than you.

8. If you don’t want to hire me but like what you see anyway – feel free to connect, I’m young free and single – YOLO.

9. I am the one and f*cking only.

10. I’ve seen myself in the mirror. I do not need any silly private messages to tell me how beautiful I am.

Sarcasm? (Hopefully…)

man saying 'ohhhhh no - I don't care' sarcastically11. Able to sit in my chair for extended periods of time without numbness or fatigue.

12. Quite possibly the only person on LinkedIn who isn’t a “results-orientated team player with excellent interpersonal skills.”

13. Invented the 2 hour lunch break, which has been adapted by sales slackers everywhere.

14. I’m sophisticated. I’ve worn black since I was 14 years old.

15. My passions are travelling, long walks on the beach and… oh wait sorry I thought this was Plenty of Fish.

16. I don’t go with the flow – that’s for fish.

17. I’m currently working in telesales (my mum is SO proud).

18. I have managed to keep up a sales job for the last 10 years, without completely losing my soul.

19. I don’t believe in spamming people. Unless you do, in which case I’m totally fine with that.

20. I only joined LinkedIn because my boss made me. Social networking is for idiots.

Strengths or weaknesses?

security guard quickly hides under fold out table as man walks into the office21. I would like a job where I don’t have to talk to people.

22. I just want a job. Please someone hire me.

23. Jack of all trades, master of none.

24. My greatest accomplishment? People think I’m Max from EastEnders.

25. Looking for a job in marketing, admin, social care, IT or construction; I’d be great at anything though to be honest.

26. I joined LinkedIn to find friends. Connect with me.

27. 3 Strengths: friendly, kind, pleasant. (Are these the same thing?)

28. My mom made me write this so I could ‘get off my arse’ and find a job.

29. Would prefer job with no real responsibility.

30. Looking for a job in marketing. I’m a particularly good chef.

Some great one-liners!

man typing away angrily with caption "delete delete delete"31. I bully words.

32. In a galaxy far, far away…

33. Cut me and I bleed content.

34. Saving the world, one irritating typo at a time.

35. Head honcho, headhunter, sometime head-shrinker and living proof that the only good recruiter is NOT a dead recruiter.

36. Dangerous when bored.

37. I build robots and stuff.

38. I blow sh*t up. I am the Michael Bay of business.

39. There really us such a thing as bad publicity…

40. I’m a writer. You probably don’t want to get on the wrong side of me.

Unfortunate typos…

bilbo baggins stroking the ring saying 'my precious'41. During my precious employment.

42. Natural born larder.

43. I’m a really hard walker.

44. I had sex professional jobs previously but am now looking for something permanent.

45. Excellant copywriter with innate gift for proofreading.

46. I lick books, films and swimming.

47. Interests: reading, cocking, running.

48. I’m confident that I’d be a really great ass for the right business.

49. The world’s greatest sailsman.

50. Graduated in 2911.

Recognise any of these?

Hopefully you won’t have made any of the mistakes we’ve detailed above on your LinkedIn Profile.

But if you’re not sure, it’s probably worth taking another look over your profile – just in case you’ve accidentally let a typo (or goodness forbid) cheesy statement slip through!

Recruiter Pro Tip

Getting social media right is so important. If your profile isn’t up to scratch…

  • Potential customers will notice. Yes, customers will take the time to search “personal” profiles if they’re unsure about working with you – so it’s really important that yours is giving off a good, professional and impressive image.
  • Potential employees will notice. Likewise, before agreeing to join a company, most employees will do some LinkedIn “stalking” – what kind of impression are you giving them? Would they actually even want to work for you? Click here for some more tips on social media recruiting.
  • Potential employers will notice. 93% of recruiters will use social media to screen a candidate before agreeing to interview them. Don’t sabotage your job-search before you’ve even had to chance to speak to and impress anyone. Click here for some more tips on how to optimise your LinkedIn profile.

It’s also worth remembering that if people can’t find your LinkedIn profile, they may look elsewhere; perhaps at your Facebook page or Twitter account. Make sure that you’re making a good impression across the board (unlike this lot).

So, remember, add a touch of personality, but don’t come across as overly negative and/or arrogant, do be creative and remember to sell yourself.

And above all else, proofread the finished article (or get a family member to do it for you!)

Want to read more?

Subscribe to this blog to receive similar rib-tickling recruitment stories, social media gaffes and workplace confessions.

Or alternatively if you’d like to read more about LinkedIn specifically, check out these hilarious articles…

Happy Friday folks!

- Mark Wilkinson
Mark Wilkinson

Mark Wilkinson

Mark is one of the founders of Coburg Banks and heads up the permanent recruitment division of the business.  Every day he helps companies with their recruitment projects, sourcing the very best individuals for their vacancies.  He understands recruitment inside-out.

> More blog posts by Mark Wilkinson

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