Coburg Banks | Multi-sector UK recruitment agency

The Best (Worst) CV You’ll Ever See [Guest Blog]

By Dorothy Tannahill-Moran | Apr 1, 2016 | Friday Funnies

Woman looking angry with caption 'hire me or else'At Coburg Banks, we’ve seen some strange things written on CVs.

From weird and wonderful hobbies (like ‘handcuff-collecting) to unfortunate typos and weird job titles.

However, the brilliant example below, sent over by Dorothy Tannahill-Moran ‘The Introvert Whisperer‘ really does take the biscuit…

If you’re looking for a lighthearted read this week, check it out – (we’ve split it up neatly into sections for you.)

Personal Details:

Name:       Ferd Nerfberfer
Address:  123 Confusion Avenue, New York, NY 00021

Professional Summary:

coackroach sat on the Delete button of a keyboardI am a major suck up to executives and proud of my inability to ferret out of even the slightest suggestion of strategic vision as a high level manager.

I have achieved continual upward growth at the expense of my subordinates who are publically humiliated multiple times per week to motivate and improve productivity.

Like a cockroach, I survive by avoiding real work or results. My greatest achievement: being singularly responsible for the loss of millions through fraud, law suits and neglect.

Employment History:

I am currently unemployed, pending a lawsuit complaint of missing office equipment, carpet & light fixtures. I am innocent of course.

Acme Manufacturing Co. – Nov. 2015-March 2016

Human Resources VP – Responsibilities:

Maintenance of corporate culture and HR policy by maximizing existing and future talent globally. A detail oriented, people-person bent on perfection from others.
Creative incentive program creation, mostly consisting of introducing “the cane” to the office environment.

Responsible for multi-tiered organization of 2,000 people, although some are part time or having out of body experiences (they don’t receive compensation).

Ozone Depletion Management Company – Feb. 2014-March 2014

Corporate Safety Assurance Director – Responsibilities:

Assuring executives that they won’t get caught damaging the earth’s air supply. Daily affirmations in-person, via email, text and skywriting.

Generally, make these guys feel like they can do no wrong so it doesn’t spoil their concentration while playing golf. Coined a new safety slogan and printed 497,000 bumper stickers for global distribution: “It’s ONLY air!”

OK Airlines (company filed bankruptcy in 1983) – Dec. 1908- current

In-flight Management – Responsibilities:

Hiring, firing and flogging of all employees scheduled to work onboard specific flights. Randomly picked flights to board based on where I wanted to go. At my discretion, trained and changed rules without notice and held employees responsible for psychically “picking up the vibe.”

Employees out of compliance to the new rules received punishment up to but not limited to eating the airline food and squeezing into a seat made for a toddler.

Received annual promotions because I refused to quit.


I have none as most of the people I have worked with are missing.

Law enforcement has been notified and I know nothing about it.

I can tell you that if you hire me, I’ll stick around. I always do.

April Fools!

“Smile, it could be worse!”

Cheers Dorothy, this tongue-in-cheek and totally outrageous CV definitely gave us a giggle – imagine if people were this honest on their CV?

You’d actually be surprised! Click here to check out the 99 funniest (and genuine) things we’ve seen over the years.

Recruiter Pro Tip.

This silly, lighthearted article is obviously just a bit of fun, but in real life, terrible CVs are no laughing matter!

If you’d like some tips on how to make sure yours is good, sensible and standing out from the crowd – click here.

If you’d just like to read more funny bits & bobs like this post, click here to subscribe to this (weekly) blog.

Happy Friday (and April Fools).

- Dorothy Tannahill-Moran
Dorothy Tannahill-Moran

Dorothy Tannahill-Moran

Dorothy Tannahill-Moran is a certified life and career coach. Known as the Introvert Whisperer, she works with introverts who are looking to stay authentic & achieve real career growth. With over 21 years in management, Dorothy’s motto is “it’s not JUST a job; it’s half your life – so love your career.”

> More blog posts by Dorothy Tannahill-Moran

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