Ah, the office meeting. A time-honoured tradition where people gather in a room (or, more recently, a Zoom call) to discuss important business matters, strategize for the future, and generally pretend they know what's going on.
But there’s a catch: to truly participate, you must first learn to speak the language of Office Jargon.
Yes, it’s a dialect so convoluted, so utterly devoid of meaning, that it's a wonder anyone ever gets anything done.
The kind of language that makes you wonder if the person speaking it has swallowed a management book whole and is now merely regurgitating it on demand.
So, as a public service, I've compiled a list of the most ridiculous office jargon you’ll hear in a meeting, along with a handy translation guide for those of you who still speak plain English.
1. “Let’s Circle Back”
Ah, the old circle back.
Translation: “I don’t have an answer now, and I never will, but this sounds better than admitting it.”
Because why commit to anything when you can just go round and round in circles, achieving nothing?
2. “Low-Hanging Fruit”
This phrase conjures up images of hapless businesspeople wandering around orchards, looking for the easiest apples to pick.
Translation: “Let’s focus on the easy tasks so we can pretend we’re making progress without actually doing any real work.”
3. “Leverage Our Synergies”
What does this even mean? Does anyone actually know?
Translation: “Let’s combine our efforts in a way that sounds impressive but ultimately means nothing.”
Bonus points if they throw in “cross-pollinate” to make it sound like a biology lesson.
4. “Let’s Put a Pin in That”
Sounds like a creative arts and crafts activity, doesn't it?
Translation: “I’m going to pretend to be interested in your idea, but I'm really just hoping you'll forget about it.”
In reality, the "pin"is where ideas go to die.
5. “Move the Needle”
Because apparently, we’re all just giant sewing machines trying to stitch our way to success.
Translation: “Do something. Anything. Just make it look like we’re achieving something.”
Usually said with a sense of desperation that suggests the needle is, in fact, a million miles away.
6. “Bandwidth”
Ah yes, the modern-day measure of human capacity.
Translation: “I don’t have the time, energy, or will to deal with this right now.”
But saying “I’m too knackered for this” doesn’t sound as professional, does it?
7. “Boil the Ocean”
Don’t worry, this isn’t a climate change strategy.
Translation: “Don’t try to take on a task so overwhelmingly complex that it’s impossible.”
And yet, that’s exactly what half of these meetings seem to propose.
8. “Think Outside the Box”
Oh good, creativity's greatest cliché.
Translation: “I want you to come up with new ideas, but only ones that fit within my preconceived notions.”
Because heaven forbid you actually suggest something radical.
9. “Drill Down”
More construction metaphors for those of us who aren’t quite tired enough of the industrial complex.
Translation: “Let’s look at this in excruciating detail, even though no one else cares.”
Usually followed by a heavy sigh and a desperate search for the nearest coffee machine.
10. “Take This Offline”
Translation: “Your idea is interrupting my meeting flow. Let's talk about it later when I can ignore it more effectively.”
It’s a bit like saying, “Let’s pretend this didn’t happen.”
Need to Recruit People Who Speak Plain English?
If you’ve had enough of jargon-filled meetings and want to hire people who know how to communicate without the business buzzwords, we can help.
At Coburg Banks, we specialise in finding candidates who can talk the talk without making you lose the will to live.
So, if you’re ready to recruit without the nonsense, get in touch.
We’ll help you find people who aren’t afraid to call a spade a spade – or, at the very least, not refer to it as a ‘soil penetration facilitator’.
